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I Shall Believe - 1/1 - The Flirting Corner

About I Shall Believe - 1/1

Previous Entry I Shall Believe - 1/1 Mar. 13th, 2010 @ 07:40 pm Next Entry
Posted on behalf of yankluver

Title: I Shall Believe
Author: Steph
Spoilers: "The Box-Part 1", "Q & A".
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of
a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Sydney discusses her feelings about her mother being alive with Vaughn and seeks comfort in him.


"I froze," Sydney says softly, as she raises her left hand up to wipe away a tear from her cheek. "The car plunged into the water and it began to sink. The water surrounded it and I froze. I couldn't do anything; I just sat there. And all I could think about was my mother. My first thought was that this is what she felt right before she died. She felt this paralyzing fear. But then something happened. It was like a switch just flipped on inside of me and I moved into action. I rolled down the window and climbed out of the car. Then I moved to the tire and used it to help me breathe. And that's when I realized it. I could see my mother doing exactly what I was doing. I knew somewhere deep inside of me that she had; I knew she was alive."

Her eyes refuse to meet mine as she goes on, her fingers twisting in her lap. "It's funny because all of my life I've wished that she really was alive. I used to imagine that it was this terrible nightmare and that one day I would wake up and she'd be here. And when I got a little older, I'd watch those soap operas where the characters never really die, they can always come back. I actually clung to that hope growing up. Logic told me that it was only wishful thinking, but it was something that I couldn't give up." She pauses and swallows hard before going on, "Then I found out the truth about her and the part of me that still held onto that naive hope died. It didn't matter if she could be alive anymore because she wasn't the mother I had missed for so long." She shakes her head, a bitter smile overtaking her lips, "Now my dream has finally come true...How's that for the cruelest of ironies?"

She looks up at me, her eyes filled to the brim with tears. They seem to plead with me to make it right.

If only I could.

She moves her gaze back to her hands and I take a step forward. I've learned what Sydney needs during times like these. She needs someone who will listen, help her sort out her feelings and then offer something hopeful to cling to.

I'm usually that someone.

"Sydney," I say softly.

She raises her head.

"How does it make you feel to know that she's alive now?" I ask.

"How do you think it makes me feel?" she replies bitingly.

I swallow hard. "Your mother's alive, Sydney. Now that you've had time to process that, how does it make you feel?"

She stares at me for a moment, her piercing gaze almost too much for me to handle. The moment passes, however, and she once again lowers her eyes.

"It's weird. When I thought she had died in an accident, she was the mother I adored and missed everyday. I knew she loved me. I never doubted it, not for one moment. And then when I found out the truth about her, I had to reevaluate my perception of her, second-guess all of her actions and the memories I had of her. I knew that having me was a ruse. But a part of me...a part of me wanted to believe that she really did love me, that she came to love me. A part of me had started to believe that. And that same part of me took comfort in the fact that she hadn't left me, that she was killed, it wasn't her choice." She pauses, swallowing back a sob, "Now...now, that's all changed. She made a choice. She chose to abandon me, for whatever reason. So now I'm left to wonder if she ever loved me at all."

My eyes scan her face, noting how even in such a vulnerable state she looks amazingly beautiful.

"I can't imagine anyone knowing you and not loving you, Sydney," I reply quietly, realizing the implication of my words once it's too late.

I quickly shift my eyes to the ground, just as she lifts her head. I can feel her eyes on me and I struggle to keep my face from turning red.

A strange silence falls between us before she breaks it, "I don't understand. How can a person just leave her child like that? Let her think that her mother was dead for all of these years?"

"I don't know," I respond softly, as I meet her eyes.

She looks at me for a long moment before saying quietly, "I want out, Vaughn. I mean it this time."

I shake my head, "Sydney-..."

"No, don't," she says, cutting me off. "I know all of the reasons why that's a bad idea, but I can't take this anymore. I'll find a way out, a safe way out."

"It's impossible."

"I need to do this," she says in a barely audible whisper and lowers her eyes to the ground. "I can't take the secrets and the lies anymore. This whole thing with my mother has made me realize that I no longer want this life. I am so scared that I will turn into her, Vaughn."

My eyes widen at the confession and I shake my head sharply. "That could never happen, Sydney."

She jumps off the crate she'd been sitting on and comes to stand in front of me.

"How do you know? How do you know that I won't reach the point where I'll marry and have a child in the name of duty? I've done things I never imagined I'd do. I've been lying to the people I love for over seven years now and I never envisioned that for myself. Believe it or not, I used to be honest to a fault," she finishes with a strangled chuckle. She swallows hard before going on, "All I'm saying is that I don't want my whole life to be a web of lies anymore. I'm afraid of what I could become. I don't ever want to lie to and abandon a child like my mother did."

"The circumstances are completely different," I say in a low voice.

She goes on, ignoring my statement. "And then there's my dad. The life he has led all of these years has made him a cold and distant father. Maybe he did it for my own good. Maybe he thought that getting too close to me would make it even harder for him to keep his secrets. Whatever his reasons, I've felt like I’ve had a stranger for a father all of my life. I don't want to be that kind of parent."

I look at her for a long moment before saying softly, "You don't see it, do you?"

Her brow furrows. "See what?"

"That you aren't your parents; that you're so much more than them," I say quietly.

A slight smile pulls at her lips, before quickly fading. She removes her eyes from mine and says softly, "Do you see her when you look at me?"

"Sydney-..." I begin, as I force my gaze to remain on her face.

She interrupts me, but still refuses to meet my eyes. "I look like her. I look like the woman who killed your father, Vaughn. We have the same bone structure and skin tone...The same eyes and smile. Sometimes I think my father can't stand to look at me because all he sees is her. Maybe that's why he's always been so cold towards me. I remind him of her and the pain she caused him."

I swallow against the lump in my throat, the hurt in her voice almost too much to bear.

How could she possibly think that people see anything but a beautiful, unique woman when they look at her?

I take a few steps forward until we are only about a foot away. I raise my right hand up slowly, tentatively, and touch her chin. Using my thumb and forefinger, I gently lift her head up until her eyes meet mine.

My voice emerges husky and soft, "When I look at you, I see an intelligent, caring, amazing woman, who is her own person."

She stares at me for a moment and I can tell she is willing herself to believe my words. I wish I could make her believe in herself the way I believe in her.

I remove my hand from her chin and then scan her eyes once before making my next move. I open my arms and close the distance between us. Her body practically collapses against mine, her face becoming buried in the crook of my neck. I bring my hands up, my left rubbing circles on her back and my right cupping her head.

"It's going to be all right," I whisper.

~Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be all right

And I shall believe~

If I could, I'd hold her like this forever. I'd make the pain and heartache disappear.

But I can't. All I can do is hold her and help her believe that someday these dark days will be behind her.

~I'm broken in two

And I know you're on to me

That I only come home

When I'm so all alone

But I do believe~

I keep thinking of everything she has endured and I wonder how she's made it this far. Every time she thinks she's reached a good place, something comes along and turns her world upside down. It's a wonder she hasn't given up on life, happiness, completely.

But there's a look in her eye that I see whenever she gets like this. It's utter despair and when I see it I know she's one step away from giving up.

That's when I make her believe that I'll never give up on her.

That's when I hope it's enough.

~That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe~

I know I am the one person who can do that for her. I am the one person she can be completely honest with. I've seen her at her most vulnerable. And sometimes I feel like it's too much for me to handle. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I wasn't the only person she can find comfort in; it's scary knowing that someone depends on you that much. It makes you doubt yourself.

But then I speak to her and I see the tears slowly disappear. Her smile reappears or she laughs and I know that it's an incredible honor to be the one who can do that for her.

~Open the door

And show me your face tonight

I know it's true

No one heals me like you

And you hold the key~

It's in these moments that I realize I love her and that I always want to be the one to wipe away her tears and pull her into my arms. And I wonder if she sees it, if she feels it.

~Never again

Would I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

But your love is all right

And I do believe~

~That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly

You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe~

I'll make sure she never stops believing. The world she inhabits is dark and lonely and it'll swallow her alive if she lets it. She needs to hold onto hope and faith in order to make it through. Most people who have endured what she has would have given up long ago. She hasn't and that's what makes her so special.

But there are days when I know she feels like she can't go on and that's where I come in.

I help her believe she can.

******THE END******

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Date:March 14th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC)
Love it. I've been missing my S/V so much, and that brought it all back for me.

BTW, "My voice emerges husky and soft, "When I look at you, I see an intelligent, caring, amazing woman, who is her own person."" came right at the bottom of my screen. I know it's un-canon, but was I the only one mentally yelling "Go on, kiss her, you idiot!"?
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